THIS IS TNN
Good Day. This is Beverly Whiteteeth reporting from TNN’s world headquarters in Elko, Nevada.
We have two giant breaking news stories to report today; stories that could influence the lives of most all Americans.
Human evolution has been a rather slow process spanning many tens of thousands of years. But in modern times that evolution has been greatly accelerated thanks to technological advancements. It is a well-known fact that human consciousness was intensely heightened by the invention of the TV.
In the past humans just sat around with nothing to do but once there was a TV in every home they could now sit together as a family on the couch and spend every free minute watching TV.
But technology doesn’t stand still. It was not long before the invention of the remote control. Now people could watch TV without ever getting up off the couch to change the channel. Life on the planet got so much better.
Still, there were times when people had to get up off the couch, such as when they had to go grocery shopping. Well, along comes the internet and smart phones and now people can do all their grocery shopping on their phones while they sit on their couch watching TV.
While it seemed like life could not possibly get any better, there were still a few problems keeping humans from attaining their full evolutionary potential. For instance, thanks to the sugary carbonated soft drinks that humans were now sipping on constantly, there was the problem of urination. Not only are humans forced to get up off the couch in order to go to the bathroom but in doing so they miss some very important commercials.
Well, today executives at the Maximum Profits Corporation announced a stunning new technological invention. It is a brand new kind of couch. They call it the ‘Model 5001 Smart Couch.’ It is expected to revolutionize life for all humans.
One of the primary features of this new couch is that there is a rubber catheter protruding from each couch cushion. The catheter goes down through the couch to a drain in the floor that leads to the sewer system. Now, the whole family can sit down on the couch, insert a catheter, and blissfully watch TV for the rest of the day without having to get up off the couch.
On one end of the couch is a small refrigerator where the family can stock plenty of carbonated soft drinks brimming in dangerous but cheap high fructose corn syrup. On the other end of the couch is a microwave oven in which meals and snacks can be prepared without having to get up off the couch and miss any commercials.
Right now the astute viewer is probably asking the question, “But what about when have to make boom boom?” Maximum Profits Corporation executives assure us that they are working on this last problem and it will be a feature on their next couch, the ‘Model 5002 Smart Couch,’ hopefully available sometime in late 2024 (just in time for Christmas).
In related news Senator Benjamin R. Curmudgeon introduced a new bill to Congress yesterday that would make couches illegal. He states this is necessary in order to fight the growing obesity epidemic.
Seriously, Senator? What’s next? Will we outlaw love seats? Lazy-Boy recliners? Will we all be forced to sit cross-legged on the floor like savages?
Thankfully, our biased political analysts here at TNN have reassured me that there is little to no chance of this bill passing. Not only is it quasi-unconstitutional but the cost would be horrendous. It would take hundreds of billions of dollars to set up a couch task force then a couch police force. Then there is the environmental nightmare of disposing of hundreds of millions of couches.
Even if the bill gained some traction our trusted analysts say that people would surely take to the streets in mass protest.
The sweet irony, of course, is that if people really did take to the streets in mass protest then a whole lot of people would have to get up off their couches and actually going outside, inadvertently getting some fresh air and exercise.
Stay tuned for sports and weather after some very important commercials.
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. Photo from Pixabay. Thanks for reading and subscribing…